what I wasn’t planning on telling you
is that I used to love the silence
I used to crave a day when I’d step out of my home
and not run into anyone who knew me
as the barista at their favorite coffee shop
as the server at their local burger joint
as the bartender at their favorite bar
I used to wish for anonymity
a place with no backstory to my name
no infamous firings
no service to the masses
no former Christian followers to remind me of how dogmatic I used to be
and then that day came and I was able to breath in a new life
no expectations to my name
but now I find myself wishing to be known without needing to tell the tale of my life
to not need to explain why I have this or that habit
to not have to say why finding a job is terrifying
or show someone that the reason making friends is so hard for me is because I’ve watched so many pick me up like a new shiny toy only to discard me when I serve no purpose for them anymore
now I crave to be known
to have my lore downloaded into the minds of new friends with every hug
I miss being a person who doesn’t have the burning itch to tell my story and quells the desire for fear of being too much
now the silence is deafening.