Loss Leaves Room

It’s interesting how when I’m not doing well, 

my cheeks lose a bit of their color, their shape. 

A sinking in takes place on my face 

like the same sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach. 

Food loses its flavor, I lose my own zest and spice. 

The color around me dims 

as the flavors continue to fade, 

yet so many around me say 

“wow you look great! You’ve lost weight!” 

As if losing some of myself 

needs to be given a trophy, 

to be encouraged. 

It turns out loss leaves room. 

Leaves space. 

Leaves a cavity to be filled. 

It turns out as I made a turn towards myself, 

I also made a turn outside of myself. 

It turns out the more I allowed myself to be me,

My cheeks became more plump

My belly a bit more full 

My breasts a bit more perky

My thighs a bit more thick 

My ass a bit more juicy 

It turns out 

The more I find myself 

The more full of myself I become 

The more full of myself I become, 

The more I connect with 

The 12 year old me put on her first 10-day juice cleanse, 

The 13 year old me put on weight watchers, 

The 14 year old me doing pilates videos every day after school, 

The 15 year old me hiding fast food bags in the bottom of the dumpster so my mom won’t find them, 

The 16 year old me being told by my parents that my stomach never looked so big, 

And so on and so on, 

I tell each version of myself 

That when we are full 

Is when we are fed.

When we are fed, 

We

Are

Free